Hey, how are you? I know it’s been a little bit of while since we last talked, so I hope you’re well. No this isn’t a travel review, or a what I wore on my holiday this is just going to be one of those posts where Evie (that’s me) spills all her thoughts and feelings and then cringes for the rest of the time after she posted it about who potentially is reading her word vomit. I went out last night, I’m very hungover right now. I feel like I’m getting better at hangovers though, I’m starting to actually do more with my Sundays instead of spending the whole day sleeping so, that’s good right? Although, I am currently laying in bed right now, in a really uncomfortable and probably really bad position for my back but I did 4 tequila shots last night so I’m not complaining. Anyway sorry for the ramble, I’m not sure where I’m going to be taking this post, I’ve said before that a lot of my posts are like a diary entry to get out everything that I have been thinking because then I usually see things more clearly afterwards and I like sharing it with you, I like that my issues or mistakes might help you, therefore, my idea for this post is to try and figure out what I want…so here goes;
I’ve been single now for nearly 7 months…which to even say aloud just seems crazy to me because it was never part of the ‘plan’, even though I knew things weren’t working I still planned out the rest of my life with someone, until one day I found myself in this new single independent world and it’s been scary, and lonely, my god does it get lonely, but it’s also been pretty fucking awesome. I was always one of these people that was rather terrified to be on her own, I just didn’t think I’d be able to do it and that’s kind of the point to this blog is that in all honesty I thought I would be with someone else by now, but it just hasn’t happened and I don’t even know if it’s something I want. I mean what do we as single people want is the question? Is it sex? I mean you walk into Ann Summers and come out with a bag full and £50 out of pocket, but my god will it be the best £50 you ever spent on yourself and then suddenly you realise that sex isn’t essential, don’t get me wrong it’s awesome but it’s not the only way to get that pleasure. (I told you I’m being honest!) I think the strange and unexpected thing is that I actually like being on my own, sometimes I even prefer it and a lot of guys in particular think oh well it’s just so you can sleep around or get with whoever you want and it’s honestly more than that, it sounds cringe but the fact that I can be on my own, do things for myself without needing or wanting someone by my side is so impowering, it makes me feel powerful and honestly independence is just freedom, freedom to be who you want and yes I suppose if you look at things in that way, to do who you want (if I could, smirk emoji, hehee).
So, even though I like being on my own and I’m used to just being in my own space like many single people are, are we still looking for some sort of companionship? I mean even though my ex and I as a relationship didn’t work, we did have a right laugh as friends and I’ve always been someone that likes the company of males just in terms of someone to talk too. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love and adore my girls but, sometimes hanging out with a guy can be just as fun, you get a different kind of perspective on things and different banter. If I tell my mum I’m going on a date the reaction is usually ‘you in a rush to get a partner’ but, I’m not I just like talking to men (oh believe you me I’ve tried to get a date with a woman, it’s still a work in progress) and literally not in a weird attention seeking way but sometimes I find I can have more in common with a man and that makes for great conversation which is enjoyable! However, yeah let’s be honest there’s something that a £50 Ann Summers toy can’t give you and that’s cuddling…my god do I miss cuddles and a good spoon! Sometimes I think I just want something casual no pressure just casual, but then I’ve met people who want the same and then my trouble is I’m an overthinker (I know classic case) so when the other person doesn’t want anything more than just casual, I’m wondering why I’m not the hell good enough for something more, but then if I meet someone who wants something more I just freak out or get nervous and stop talking to them because I don’t know what to do because I don’t think I could handle something serious right now! (If I have ghosted you then I am a dick who just doesn’t know what she wants…or you’re just being obvious about wanting the shag and I’m not as easy as some like to think).
The best way I can describe it is imagining you got on a rollercoaster, but something went wrong and there was a fault, or it derailed but you survived, you most likely would never want to get on a rollercoaster again because you’d be terrified of the same thing happening again. I derailed that exact same rollercoaster 4 times already! (as in I got dumped 4 times, by the same person…I know I’m a fucking idiot) but my point is as much as us single lot like being independent, being on our own, having no one to let in or to answer too…I think we’re probably just a bit scared or we’re just not ready to commit and no one should have to do something they don’t want to, being single is the time to be selfish and do whatever the hell YOU want. The truth is for the first time in my life I have no idea what I want, I don’t have it all planned out, but I know that for now I’m happy and lucky for the people that I do have. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in wanting to be alone or wanting to have that soul mate but you’re certainly not going to get anywhere by searching for them. So, just chill out and carry on with what makes you happy and if that’s spending your monthly wages at Ann Summers or on a fleshlight (I’ve seen the adverts boys, hah) then do that, or as I have done tonight on the night of love (as this is being posted on valentines) book yourself in for a hot stone massage and deep conditioning hair treatment at the salon because there’s nothing better than a little bit of self-love and then have a nice unhealthy meal with your friend. Hope you enjoyed this little blog, I appreciate I am not to everyone’s tastes in my thoughts, but I have no shame, I have nothing to hide and I will always remain a no filtered kind of woman…so I will most likely never find a partner, haha but seriously I hope you liked this one and have a great rest of your week and remember you’re amazing and can do anything as long as you just believe in yourself, because I do!
See you soon.