My start to 2018 and how it went so wrong – but for the right reasons

Hey again, I hope your week has been good & wherever you are in the world I hope the weather is nice as it has been a little crazy to the start of this year. Today’s post is sort of like my New Year’s Resolutions and I will try not to get too deep as I don’t think I am quite ready yet, however, I will just be talking about somethings that have made me come to terms with different emotions for 2018. Yes, I know it is a cringe as anything to say this but, it’s not going to be new year new me, but new year old me. The second half of 2017 due to some circumstances I feel I really lost myself, lost my confidence, my worth, my fun, my positivity and especially my fitness and 2018 is the year I want to get it back.

I will start with something I really want to overcome in 2018 which is my anxiety. Now I have a very dear friend who suffered with this & I never really understood it, I’ll be honest I saw it as an excuse for many things because I didn’t understand why she wasn’t able to do certain activities, in my head it would be ‘why can’t you just do it just do it!’. Something in 2017 due to not getting the right balance in my life & not being positive really affected me & I started to slowly become very reclusive, very scared & anxious to do things – I would purposely get into big arguments with my partner just, so I didn’t have to go out, make excuses all the time about not going to the gym (I’ve been once in the past 6 months) and use various other excuses. As time has gone on these attacks or moments of anxiety just worsened & I have felt myself get more and more emotional when it comes to doing things that I am now suddenly scared to do. Therefore, I do think it is important to remove negativity from your life or at least find a new positive way of coping because had the circumstances not of happened I don’t think I would have got the anxiety as severely as I have felt it.

Confidence, I have always felt confident in what I am doing whether that be working, nights out, organising things, how I look, what people might think of me, but again this has dropped severely & I certainly feel that my confidence has almost been lost. Please understand if you see my Instagram yes, I may look like a confident woman but that’s a snippet of my life, it just wouldn’t feel appropriate for me personally to post a picture of me upset or having a sad day because I didn’t really want anyone to know. My worth is something also that I feel has had a downfall these last few months & I need to realise what my worth is & that I want to do something amazing because I can just like any of you can – I think everyone should have a good look in the mirror & realise that we can all do something great no matter how many times we get told we can’t whether that be by other people or ourselves.

A substantial change has been my positivity, at the beginning of 2017 I was a very positive thinker & I wanted to bring those around me to feeling positive too, I had this ‘there is nothing we can’t do attitude’, but it’s just been derailed & It’s really something I want to get back on track, I think positive thinking is something that can help with all the above & having a positive outlook. I appreciate things can get tough, & life gets hard, but there is always a way out in the end, always a happy alternative or balance that I think I just need to find. I remember saying to my partner that I just feel sad all the time & just got myself stuck in this hole that I didn’t want to pull myself out of, because I think I had unknowingly given up. Another & very crucial element I would like to feel I am in control of for 2018 is my fitness as I really did let this go down the pan the past 6 months, & now because of my anxiety I am quite scared to go again so have got myself stuck in this vicious circle, however this is something I am desperate to change.

So, all in all I have had all these things building up that just came to ahead in 2018 and so now I am here writing this, due to everything coming to ahead it has also made me think about my childhood & some of the things that I never actually dealt with growing up or talked about so another big achievement for me in 2018 would be to do just this. I am very lucky in that I have an amazing supportive partner who has been wonderful in helping me, however I must remember & so do you if you feel your in a similar situation, that I also have to help myself & I have to do it for myself. Because when I initially met my partner 4 years ago I was at the same point where I am now, I wasn’t going out, I was anxious, depressed because I couldn’t go to school (post on my blog about why) & I met him & he really bought me out of my shell, however because I don’t think I ever really dealt with those feelings I think I just pushed them aside & forgot they were ever there, however they are still here & 2018 will be the year I conquer them.

2018 I really want to be the year that I focus on me & I do prioritise my fitness (week update I have been going to the gym most mornings at 6am yayy), going out with friends again & this blog because this is something that really has saved me – I know it is risky to talk about this kind of thing and have it on the internet, but do you know what, it is important & we all matter & I am not going to let anyone take that away from me or anyone else. If you ever want to chat or just leave a comment, then please do because I am here for you too.

I’ve posted some pictures below just of things that just help me if I get stressed or anxious e.g. candles, working out & writing things down to plan my day seriously calm me.

See you soon X

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